Thursday, July 19, 2012

Fail: Chewy Orange Almond Cookies (★ ★ ☆ ☆ ☆)

As I'm writing this entry, I'm watching the episode of Home Improvement where Tim uses power tools to cook food. Blowtorch grilled cheese sandwich? Yes, please!

I may or may not have specifically chosen this episode for inspiration.  

I have to watch something when I write.  It helps fill the silence.  Puts me in a good mood.  

BUT I can't just watch anything.  

Law & Order: SUV.  How in the heck am I supposed to come up with something witty while that is on??!!  All I end up doing is mentally counting the windows and doors to make sure they all get locked.

Yep, Home Improvement fits the bill.  Actually, Gilmore Girls is my muse.  Nothing, draws out my most stunning repartee as those ladies, but I love, love, love Tim Allen.  And it's just a Tim Allen kind of night, you know?
Almonds comprise the bulk of this cookie.  Almost like using an "almond" flour.
Recipes are an interesting science, aren't they?

Sometimes you get one that is so good, it turns out every time.
Other recipes are delicious, but require exacting care.

But there is another category.  The kind people don't like to talk about.

The recipe we'll endearingly call..."The Crapper."

Sometimes it doesn't matter what you do.  The chemistry just isn't there.  And if it isn't there then why, pray tell, can't we admit we made a boo boo?

Yes, Martha Stewart, I'm calling you out.
Soft peaked meringue (front).  Almond flour mixture (back). You fold the flour into the meringue.  
I wanted to make these Chewy Orange Almond Cookies because:

1) I love almonds.
2) I love anything chewy.
3) Orange, mixed with chewy, mixed with almonds, sounded like the perfect complement to cold lemonade on a summer day.

Welp, I'm sorry to say these were anything but refreshing.

And hey, you all know I'm not afraid to admit operator error.  The fact that most of these didn't turn out because they were either under or over cooked (as you'll soon see below) was completely and utterly the result of my lack of attention.

*Note: If after this post you STILL want to make these (i.e. you are a glutton for punishment), make sure you watch these like a hawk.  They are the "require exacting care" type I was telling you about earlier.  The difference between soft middle sticking to the parchment paper, and darkened crispy unsalvageable lump is not much my friend, not much.
The batter will be very runny.

But the 8 cookies, I actually made correctly didn't even taste good.  

If crazy almond ladies were a thing, these are the cookies they would bring to your door.  

Almond flavor.  
Almond grounds.  
Almond chunks.  

Knock, knock.  Who's there?  Not orange, that's for sure.  

And to top it off - these were sweet.  Sticky sweet.  Taste buds exploding off your tongue sweet.  

Let's go through the checklist, shall we?

Taste: Fail
Ease: Fail
Martha: Fail

Fail + Fail + Fail = Win?

I don't think so, Tim. 

Undercooked: donut shaped cookies.  Overcooked: browned bricks.  The difference between the two? About a minute.
I'm putting this recipe on the naughty list.

It's okay to admit you dropped the ball Momma M.  No one is demanding that you relinquish your domestic pearls. Just gimme this one, okay?

If you are looking for an orange cookie recipe that is actually good see my earlier post on Orange Sugar Biscuits.  Make them chocolatey or use poppy seeds as called for in the recipe. Either way these are delicious.  Not too sweet.  The perfect tea cookie.


Sidebar: These were not a total waste.

After throwing away the slightly burned cookies (These do not hold up well to temperature.  A slightly overcooked chocolate chip cookie?  No biggie.  These?....oHoHOHO no.  Lick the bottom of your toaster oven for a pretty accurate rendition), I didn't know what to do with the gapping hole ones.

They were ugly, but perfectly fine otherwise.

Enter: Vanilla Ice Cream.

I am a genius.

Crumbled up pieces of these cookies make a rah-dic-cuh-lous ice cream topping.  So, so, so, so, so, so good.

Martha, your recipe has been salvaged.

Girl, I gotchu.



  1. Has anyone else come across a recipe that just couldn't be saved? Maybe your great-aunt's tuna surprise salad? ;)

  2. Welp- all I remember is Thanksgiving when I woefully attempted and horribly failed to make orange chocolate bark. It tasted terrible, which is sad since it had like 4 ingredients. Luckily I'm a tad bit more experienced and so... maybe I shall revisit that recipe.. or leave it to die in the fail category.

    1. I don't know. Usually with sweets it either tastes good or it doesn't, even if the texture is off or it wasn't cooked properly. Too bad cause that sounds pretty good. I LOVE peppermint bark. :)