Pecan Bars (★ ★ ★ ★ ★)

I think I owe someone an apology.

Yes, it's Martha Stewart.

Did you think this was about my mysterious absence the past two weeks?

Well, it's not.

But I am truly sorry about that too.

I love posting.  And posting on time.  On schedule.

I'm an extremely organized perfectionist.  If I am too busy or too tired or the sun is too beautiful and is calling me to the outdoors, it kills me not to post.  But sometimes you have to live life, and if that means I need an extra nap or to get two shades darker by Sunday then I have to take a deep breath and just let it happen.

Apparently, I haven't had too rough of a time doing that as of late.  So I guess I'm cured there.
Hallelujah!

Back to Martha.

Ah, yes.  Martha.  We've had a rocky past.  I mean, I ripped her up pretty good when I posted about these Chewy Orange Almond Cookies.

Although, I have to admit.
She kinda deserved it.
They were grah-oh-sssss (gross :).

But then something happened.
Something too wonderful for words.

These pecan bars came my way.  And oh. ah my. ah goodness.  They are absolutely divine!!

Five stars guys.
I gave these 5 Stars.
That's how serious I am about them.

Kinda gooey, slightly crispy, crumbly, pecan-buttery goodness.  These are the kind of cookie bars you have to pawn off to your friends.

Because they are so good, you will eat the whole pan.
And then you'll get fat...
Because of all the butter,
Duh!
So pawn them off to your friends so you can all get the same amount of fat together and still enjoy this incredible life-altering gift from Martha.

My once-enemy.

I'm usually a pretty good judge of character.

I feel like it's one of my stronger attributes.  But I guess I'm going to have to humbly eat my words here.

Hey, I said was was "pretty good" - not perfect!

I stumbled upon this recipe when my mom baked these around Thanksgiving.  She had gotten the recipe from a friend and was ranting and raving about how good they were.  Okay, mom.  Exaggerate much?

But one bite.  One bite.
That's all it took.
Twitterpation - to the nth degree.

So what a, small - yet effective, slap in the face when I realized where these had originally come from -Martha Stewart herself.  The Queen.  The Legend.

WhaAaAa?!
*Choke*...
This can't be?!

Oh, but it was.  It. Was. 

And you know what? I'm okay with that now.
Because becoming friends with your once-enemy, creates stronger bonds than any other friendships I know of.

So how do you make up for a past public-bash of your new found friend?
With a now present-love letter, of course!

Dear Martha,

Rants are so much easier to write.  I get to be witty and funny.  And at someone else's expense.

Love letters are usually so cheesy and not funny at all.  Plus the only person who stands to be exposed is the lover not the lovee.

See the more I think about it, the more I realize I'm not going to be too good at this whole blog-love-letter thing, so I'll just cut to the chase.

Your Almond Cookies were terrible,
Seriously they were bad.
But your Pecan Bars incomparable,
I mean there was is drool.

So let's just make amends,
And resign to be great friends.

Even though you were the one who first put us in this mess,
I am not above forgiveness.

Love Your BFF,

Nat

Pecan Bars
from Martha Stewart

For Cookie Crust

• 18 Tbsp of Butter (2 sticks, plus 2 Tbsp)
• 3/4 Cup Brown Sugar, Packed
• 3 Cups of Flour

For Caramel Pecan Layer

• 8 Tbsp of Butter (1 stick)
• 1/2 Cup of Brown Sugar, Packed
• 6 Tbsp of Honey
• 2 Tbsp of Granulated Sugar
• 2 Tbsp of Heavy Cream
• 2 Cups of Pecan Halves
• 1/2 tsp Vanilla Extract

Makes about 24 pieces

Need one 9x13in Pan

**Cooling Time Required Between Some Steps 

1) In a medium sized bowl, mix together 18 Tbsp of butter and 3/4 cup of brown sugar.  Beat on 

    medium speed for 2 minutes, until fluffy. 

2) Add flour to the mixture, 1 cup at a time.  Combine well after each addition. 

3) Dough is done when all ingredients are dissolved together and large clumps form. 

4) Press dough into the bottom of a 9x13in pan.  Make sure no clumps are remaining. 

5) Prick the crust with a fork so there are indentations all across the top.  Chill pan and dough in the 

    fridge until firm, approx 20 minutes. 

6) Place pan in preheated oven at 375F degrees for 18-20 minutes.  Cookie crust should be golden. 

7) Cool crust completely before completing next steps.
8) Reduce oven temperature to 325F degrees.  In a medium saucepan, melt 8 Tbsp of butter, 1/2 Cup
    brown sugar, honey, granulated sugar, and heavy cream over high heat.  While stirring constantly,
    bring to a boil. Cook for another minute or so until mixture coats the back of the spoon.
9) Remove pan from heat.  Stir in pecans and vanilla.
10) Pour caramelized layer on to the cooled cookie crust.  Bake in oven until caramel top begins to
      bubble, approx. 15-20 minutes.  Cool completely before cutting.

This is definitely the beginning of a beautiful friendship. 

Fail: Chewy Orange Almond Cookies (★ ★ ☆ ☆ ☆)

As I'm writing this entry, I'm watching the episode of Home Improvement where Tim uses power tools to cook food. Blowtorch grilled cheese sandwich? Yes, please!

I may or may not have specifically chosen this episode for inspiration.  

I have to watch something when I write.  It helps fill the silence.  Puts me in a good mood.  

BUT I can't just watch anything.  

Law & Order: SUV.  How in the heck am I supposed to come up with something witty while that is on??!!  All I end up doing is mentally counting the windows and doors to make sure they all get locked.

Yep, Home Improvement fits the bill.  Actually, Gilmore Girls is my muse.  Nothing, draws out my most stunning repartee as those ladies, but I love, love, love Tim Allen.  And it's just a Tim Allen kind of night, you know?

Almonds comprise the bulk of this cookie.  Almost like using an "almond" flour.

Recipes are an interesting science, aren't they?

Sometimes you get one that is so good, it turns out every time.
Other recipes are delicious, but require exacting care.

But there is another category.  The kind people don't like to talk about.

The recipe we'll endearingly call..."The Crapper."

Sometimes it doesn't matter what you do.  The chemistry just isn't there.  And if it isn't there then why, pray tell, can't we admit we made a boo boo?

Yes, Martha Stewart, I'm calling you out.

Soft peaked meringue (front).  Almond flour mixture (back). You fold the flour into the meringue.  

I wanted to make these Chewy Orange Almond Cookies because:

1) I love almonds.
2) I love anything chewy.
3) Orange, mixed with chewy, mixed with almonds, sounded like the perfect complement to cold lemonade on a summer day.

Welp, I'm sorry to say these were anything but refreshing.

And hey, you all know I'm not afraid to admit operator error.  The fact that most of these didn't turn out because they were either under or over cooked (as you'll soon see below) was completely and utterly the result of my lack of attention.

*Note: If after this post you STILL want to make these (i.e. you are a glutton for punishment), make sure you watch these like a hawk.  They are the "require exacting care" type I was telling you about earlier.  The difference between soft middle sticking to the parchment paper, and darkened crispy unsalvageable lump is not much my friend, not much.

The batter will be very runny.

But the 8 cookies, I actually made correctly didn't even taste good.  

If crazy almond ladies were a thing, these are the cookies they would bring to your door.  

Almond flavor.  

Almond grounds.  

Almond chunks.  

Knock, knock.  Who's there?  Not orange, that's for sure.  

And to top it off - these were sweet.  Sticky sweet.  Taste buds exploding off your tongue sweet.  

Hmmmmm...

Let's go through the checklist, shall we?

Taste: Fail

Ease: Fail

Martha: Fail

Fail + Fail + Fail = Win?

I don't think so, Tim. 

Undercooked: donut shaped cookies.  Overcooked: browned bricks.  The difference between the two? About a minute.

I'm putting this recipe on the naughty list.

It's okay to admit you dropped the ball Momma M.  No one is demanding that you relinquish your domestic pearls. Just gimme this one, okay?

If you are looking for an orange cookie recipe that is actually good see my earlier post on Orange Sugar Biscuits.  Make them chocolatey or use poppy seeds as called for in the recipe. Either way these are delicious.  Not too sweet.  The perfect tea cookie.

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Sidebar: These were not a total waste.

After throwing away the slightly burned cookies (These do not hold up well to temperature.  A slightly overcooked chocolate chip cookie?  No biggie.  These?....oHoHOHO no.  Lick the bottom of your toaster oven for a pretty accurate rendition), I didn't know what to do with the gapping hole ones.

They were ugly, but perfectly fine otherwise.

Enter: Vanilla Ice Cream.

I am a genius.

Crumbled up pieces of these cookies make a rah-dic-cuh-lous ice cream topping.  So, so, so, so, so, so good.

Martha, your recipe has been salvaged.

Girl, I gotchu.

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